Jokes for Speeches - Humour for the Speaker

Welcome to this free, gratis and help-yourself website with another fine collection of speaker's jokes culled from a variety of sources. Whether you are a seasoned after-dinner speaker or are struggling to compose a speech for a wedding, family re-union or corporate conference, we hope that you will find the jokes, one-liners and funny anecdotes to make your speech sparkle. Ideal also for Rotary Clubs, Toastmasters, Lions and other organisations.

	A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
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	An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
	A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation: My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"! My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation. My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job. My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those who can't...teach". My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself. My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now." The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".
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	How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is. How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb. How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb? "Sod you! That's the electrician's job." How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? "Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill." How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
	A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
	Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
	An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
	If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
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	Where to Publish Your Paper If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of mathematics. If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics journal. If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economics journal. If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a psychology journal.
	Heaven and Hell In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.
	A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
	How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big. How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? "I don't know, but I can look it up for you." How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
	A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
	What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
	A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
	A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
	When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
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	A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
	A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."
	Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'" "But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" "That's exactly what I said!"
	"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer. "Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
	The English teacher's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
	The Evolution of a Math Problem 1950: A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit? 1960 (traditional math): A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit? 1970 (new math): A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C? 1980 (equal opportunity math): A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 1990 (outcome based education): By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it. 1995 (entrepreneurial math): By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. 1998 (motivational math): A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
	(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." Rich Jeni "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know." Franck Dubosc "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." Gary Valentine (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." Jeff Green "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" John Wing "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" Francois Morency "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'" Rich Jeni "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." Tim Steeves "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." Jimmy Shubert "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." Rich Jeni "My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." Emo Philips "What's with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt." Ken Scott "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is." Lenny Clarke "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." Emo Philips "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" Emo Philips "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." Rich Jeni "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Ren Hicks "Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'" Jeff Green
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